If I Could Turn Back Time

Writer’s block is a struggle that has been plaguing me for the past few weeks. I’ve had a handful of interesting topics that I want to write about, but as soon as I sit down at my computer and start typing the words that flow from my fingertips don’t live up to my expectations. Everything that I seemed to be typing just didn’t sound as eloquent or meaningful as I wanted it to. But, one must carry on and push forward and when you don’t like any of your prompts at the moment you search for someone else’s. So, bear with me as I tackle this one.

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if we could rewind and not go on that horrible first date or not wear that poncho to school? I have pondered this question numerous times, mainly because I have a tendency to do some rather embarrassing things to myself (mostly in high school). For example, if I could go back in time and stop younger me from embarrassing myself in front of my crush of the moment or stop myself from sending that “secret” admirer letter to another crush, I would probably jump on it. Now this isn’t necessarily to save face with guys that I no longer see or talk to, it is more to save myself from cringing at the thought of my high school love life (or lack thereof).

Most of the moments that I would consider preventing from happening are minor moments in my life that cause me to have first hand and second hand embarrassment simultaneously. Other moments, ones that have caused me a significant amount of pain, emotional and physical, I’m not too quick to change. I wouldn’t want to go back and change my first experience with heartbreak, not because I enjoyed the pain but because I learned a great deal from it. After my first real boyfriend broke up with me (yes I will admit that he did the breaking) I was completely devastated. My world came crashing down around me and I didn’t know how to pick up the pieces or do anything other than cry…a lot. During this process I learned how to bounce back from a blow like that, and how to be happy on my own. Also, I was able to go back through the relationship and think about the things that bothered me about it, both of my own doing and my ex’s, to figure out what I want in a relationship and what I don’t want. It was a learning experience that I am glad I went through because I’m a lot stronger and have a bit thicker skin now.

Another event that seems like I would want to erase from my past is my car accident last February. Now don’t get me wrong, I wish that it hadn’t happened because of fairly selfish reasons: my grandmother. If there were a way for her to come back into my life I would jump on that opportunity in no time whatsoever, but there isn’t. And if it was her time to go to Heaven, I really can’t argue with God. So let’s pretend this magical power does not extend to keeping people from passing away and merely extends to things that have happened to me alone. Which, in the case of my accident, would be a great deal of hospital visits/stays, surgeries, physical therapy, and time. I have had to make a lot of adjustments to my life since my accident, I have missed out on different opportunities because of my physical limitations at the time. But you know what, that’s okay because I am so much stronger than I was. I appreciate the little things in life, like having lunch with my mom or watching a movie with a friend so much more. I treasure every single person in my life so much more because this could all be over tomorrow and I just want to enjoy my time with all of the people I love and care about. I have a great deal more confidence in myself and what I’m capable of handling, because if I can rise up from what happened to me I can handle anything else life decides to throw at me with help from the big guy upstairs. Which is something I wasn’t very aware of prior to this incident.

I guess the main thing I’m trying to convey is that if I had the chance to go back and change my past, I wouldn’t. Everything decision you made was what you wanted to do at the time, no matter how cringe worthy it may seem now. Every action, every word spoken and every decision made formed you into the person you are today. Now if you aren’t happy with the person you are today, focusing on past mistakes and replaying them in your head isn’t going to help you change the person you are today. You have to make a conscious decision to learn from those past mistakes and refuse to make them again. We need to learn and grow from our trials and tribulations to discover who we want to be.


The Aftermath Of Dying

Now the title of this blog is a bit on the morbid or depressing side, but I promise that it is worth a read. Then again I’m the one writing it, so my opinion might be a little biased. But nonetheless I think you should plow through and see what exactly I have to say concerning the aftermath of dying.

Last month I started and finished binge watching the MTV show Teen Wolf and in a scene during season two the characters deal with a particularly nasty villain. I won’t go into the details but he is bad news and he’s out to get revenge for whatever happened in his past by controlling one of the main characters that is now this weird psycho killer lizard thing because his werewolf bite didn’t go well. One of the main characters, Stiles, is then tortured by a group of hunters for someone’s location (I forget who’s, probably Jackson’s or Derek’s), and is a little beat up when Lydia comes to his door. Now Lydia isn’t entirely sure what’s going on but she wants to try and save her ex-boyfriend, the psycho killer lizard thing. Now, Stilles is convinced that she will most likely die if she does this and he says something that has kind of stuck with me. He tells Lydia, who is being inadvertently suicidal, that ‘death doesn’t happen to you, it happens to everyone around you.’ And that, my lovely readers, is what this blog post is about. But if you want to talk Teen Wolf, I’m down for that too. (Also note that this may not be exactly what happened, but it’s what I recall.)

As someone who has unintentionally knocked on death’s door and had him tell me ‘not yet,’ I feel I am able to shed some thoughtful light onto this topic. When you die (sorry if that was a spoiler, but everyone does die at some point) you inevitably leave this planet, but the manner in which you leave depends on your set of beliefs or lack thereof. So essentially nothing horrible (again this depends on your beliefs or lack thereof) happens to you exactly, you just move on to whatever’s next on the agenda. Yes you leave loved ones behind, but for those of us who believe in heaven (and unfortunately hell as well) we have the hope that we will get to see loved ones who have taken this road before us once we reach our next destination. Now the time leading up to your departure may, unfortunately, be an unpleasant one but once your heart stops beating you’re (hopefully) free from that pain.

After you depart from Earth for wherever your beliefs lead you, for me that would be skyward towards heaven, your loved ones are still stuck on Earth. And what’s worse is they’re stuck on Earth with an empty feeling, with tears running down their face and adjustments to make. These people have to figure out what their next step is now that you’re gone, they have to find a way to cope with the loss of you from their lives and that is the hardest task to do. I’ve lost two very important people to me throughout my life and it’s not a pleasant experience in any way, shape, or form. You try to carry on with your life, pretend like nothing has happened but then something will happen to remind you of that missing person or something will happen to you and you want to call and tell them about it, but you can’t. There have been numerous times since my grandma passed away that I have wanted to pick up the phone and call her, but I can’t. She isn’t here anymore, and it’s not hurting her, it’s hurting everyone who was around her, who cared about her.

Now I’m not saying that you can by any means control your departure time from this planet; right before you were born you received a round trip ticket for Earth. Unfortunately none of us knew the exact date of arrival and nor do we know the exact date of our departure. We just know that some day it will inevitably happen. What I’m trying to say is don’t try to trade in your ticket for an earlier departure. If you’re sick or hurt or depressed don’t give in, don’t let those feelings of unbearable strife get to you. As much as it hurts it will get better and there will be moments of relief and joy, especially when you surround yourself with people who care deeply for you. But you may sit there and think what is the point of living if I feel this miserable or I’m in this much pain now? Why should I carry on? Well the answer is simple, because death doesn’t happen to you, it happens to everyone around you.