Writer’s block is a struggle that has been plaguing me for the past few weeks. I’ve had a handful of interesting topics that I want to write about, but as soon as I sit down at my computer and start typing the words that flow from my fingertips don’t live up to my expectations. Everything that I seemed to be typing just didn’t sound as eloquent or meaningful as I wanted it to. But, one must carry on and push forward and when you don’t like any of your prompts at the moment you search for someone else’s. So, bear with me as I tackle this one.
Have you ever wondered what life would be like if we could rewind and not go on that horrible first date or not wear that poncho to school? I have pondered this question numerous times, mainly because I have a tendency to do some rather embarrassing things to myself (mostly in high school). For example, if I could go back in time and stop younger me from embarrassing myself in front of my crush of the moment or stop myself from sending that “secret” admirer letter to another crush, I would probably jump on it. Now this isn’t necessarily to save face with guys that I no longer see or talk to, it is more to save myself from cringing at the thought of my high school love life (or lack thereof).
Most of the moments that I would consider preventing from happening are minor moments in my life that cause me to have first hand and second hand embarrassment simultaneously. Other moments, ones that have caused me a significant amount of pain, emotional and physical, I’m not too quick to change. I wouldn’t want to go back and change my first experience with heartbreak, not because I enjoyed the pain but because I learned a great deal from it. After my first real boyfriend broke up with me (yes I will admit that he did the breaking) I was completely devastated. My world came crashing down around me and I didn’t know how to pick up the pieces or do anything other than cry…a lot. During this process I learned how to bounce back from a blow like that, and how to be happy on my own. Also, I was able to go back through the relationship and think about the things that bothered me about it, both of my own doing and my ex’s, to figure out what I want in a relationship and what I don’t want. It was a learning experience that I am glad I went through because I’m a lot stronger and have a bit thicker skin now.
Another event that seems like I would want to erase from my past is my car accident last February. Now don’t get me wrong, I wish that it hadn’t happened because of fairly selfish reasons: my grandmother. If there were a way for her to come back into my life I would jump on that opportunity in no time whatsoever, but there isn’t. And if it was her time to go to Heaven, I really can’t argue with God. So let’s pretend this magical power does not extend to keeping people from passing away and merely extends to things that have happened to me alone. Which, in the case of my accident, would be a great deal of hospital visits/stays, surgeries, physical therapy, and time. I have had to make a lot of adjustments to my life since my accident, I have missed out on different opportunities because of my physical limitations at the time. But you know what, that’s okay because I am so much stronger than I was. I appreciate the little things in life, like having lunch with my mom or watching a movie with a friend so much more. I treasure every single person in my life so much more because this could all be over tomorrow and I just want to enjoy my time with all of the people I love and care about. I have a great deal more confidence in myself and what I’m capable of handling, because if I can rise up from what happened to me I can handle anything else life decides to throw at me with help from the big guy upstairs. Which is something I wasn’t very aware of prior to this incident.
I guess the main thing I’m trying to convey is that if I had the chance to go back and change my past, I wouldn’t. Everything decision you made was what you wanted to do at the time, no matter how cringe worthy it may seem now. Every action, every word spoken and every decision made formed you into the person you are today. Now if you aren’t happy with the person you are today, focusing on past mistakes and replaying them in your head isn’t going to help you change the person you are today. You have to make a conscious decision to learn from those past mistakes and refuse to make them again. We need to learn and grow from our trials and tribulations to discover who we want to be.