Everyone Has Fears

Fear is something that we all have and deal with on a fairly regular basis. I’m sure at this instance someone came to mind that you think is absolutely fearless, and I will tell you that there is something they are afraid of. Everyone has a fear or five, and sometimes it is nearly impossible to overcome those fears. Sometimes the fear is so destructive that it’s all you can think about.

One of my fears that recently has become more prevalent and more destructive in my life is the fear of getting hurt. Now I am not necessarily referring to emotional pain, I do have a slight fear of that but as I’ve grown up I’ve come to realize that emotional pain is just a part of life. No, I am talking about getting physically hurt whether it be from falling, slipping, or getting into (another) accident. See I have spent the last 8 months recovering from injuries I sustained in a car accident and it hasn’t been a fun time to say the very least. And I have absolutely no intentions of experiencing that amount of pain, that frustration, ever again. And today as my mom drove me to my physical therapy appointment I was thinking that I would quite honestly prefer dying to being severely injured if by some stroke of very unfortunate luck we were to get into a car accident at that moment. I’m not saying or implying that I want to die or any of that, but if given the choice of experience the past eight months all over again and moving on from this world I lean towards the latter. I would rather just wipe my hands of the whole situation and follow the light then deal with this all over again. Why? Well to be quite frank because it was in no way easy, it was hard work and if all of that hard work just went down the tube I don’t know if I could find the optimism to do it all over again. Getting by these past months has taken every ounce of my optimism and strength and I don’t think there is any left over for me to have another go at it. Sorry, but no thanks.

So as you can tell I am so afraid of going through that process again, or having to depend on everyone else for that much help, that I would rather die. Which means that this, my friends, is what we call a detrimental fear. And this fear will most likely keep me inside my safe warm home until the snow is done having its big rager of a party outside. Why would I dare put my safety and health at risk when I just got it back? I have worked hard to get to where I am today, I have been extremely patient with myself, and frankly I am sick of being held back by my physical limitations. I simply do not want to get hurt again.

But this fear is something I desperately need to get past because it will inevitably hold me back from doing a large amount of things, primarily things that involve leaving my house. So how do I get over this fear before it takes over my life? I honestly have no clue (see I don’t always have the answers). I rarely have complete control over what happens in a given situation and that terrifies me because that means anything could theoretically happen. And maybe I need to stop focusing on the fact that anything could happen and focus on the fact that it might not happen. Everything might be fine and dandy after all.

photo credit: positivelifetips.com

photo credit: positivelifetips.com

There is no easy way to get rid of your fears, and I’m not convinced you can actually rid yourself of them. I think that fears are always there, they just lessen or change as you grow into who you want to be. So I guess what it comes down to is telling yourself that you can power through whatever situation is triggering your fear; telling yourself that you are stronger than you think and you can’t let whatever you’re afraid of keep you from enjoying life. Bottom line, you only get one life to live and if you stay bogged down by fears you aren’t going to be able to live it to it’s fullest. Trust that God can help you with your fears.

But please pray for me when I have to get in a car again during horrible winter weather, I will need it.

The Art Of Being Excited

When did you stop being excited about life? When did you start to think it wasn’t okay for you to jump up and down about an important or exciting event/thing in your life? When did you think you were too old to be excited? For me that day has not come yet, and hopefully it will never come because being excited about anything is one of the absolute best feelings in the world. Excitement means that something worth doing, watching, or talking about is going to happen. But it seems to me that once you hit a certain age in your life it’s not okay to outwardly show your excitement, and why is that?

As I registered for Vidcon 2015 I could feel the excitement bubbling under my skin and the smile on my face grow wider and wider as I progressed to the end of the registration. And when I was done and it was confirmed that I had in fact purchased a pass for the three-day YouTube convention in California I wanted to dance around my room to every upbeat pop song and jump up and down. (I didn’t do that, but for physical restrictions, not because I would be embarrassed.) Instead I just geeked out on the phone with my best friend as she too completed her registration. I was (and still am) so excited for this event and I just wanted everyone to know it. But I stopped for a moment and asked myself would people even care? Would people think I was a weirdo or immature for being excited about something as stereotypically nerdy as a YouTube convention? The answers to these questions are most likely: no they don’t care, and yes they will think I’m immature BUT I DO NOT CARE!

photo credit: weheartit.com

photo credit: weheartit.com

Let me tell you why I don’t care if people think I’m immature for being excited about Vidcon, book releases, movie premiers, concerts, getting Taco Bell for lunch or a Starbucks drink while shopping, it’s because I enjoy all of those things immensely and I don’t want to stop enjoying them. I don’t want to stop thinking that those things are special and should be exciting to me. Once you stop getting excited about the little things life becomes extremely dull and rather unimportant. And if you are excited about something why is it so shameful or immature to show that? The answer is: it’s not in anyway. Being excited about something is just a way of showing that you really really like that something and you’re supposed to like things! You’re supposed to enjoy life and all the things that you can do during it! You’re supposed to be passionate about things because if you’re not passionate about anything what are you doing with your life?

So the next time something really great happens to you or a really cool event you’re going to is coming up TELL EVERYONE ABOUT IT! Share your excitement with people close to you and abuse all of the happy and relevant emojis you want! Because it is okay to be excited because it is the best feeling you can feel and don’t let the grumps rain on your parade! Telling people they can’t be excited about something is telling someone they can’t be happy and who ate all of their pink starbursts to make them such a grump!?

also I AM SO EXCITED TO BE GOING TO VIDCON THIS SUMMER AND I WILL TELL EVERYONE I MEET THAT I AM GOING TO IT AND IT’S SO EXCITING AND BECAUSE I AM A PRO AT BEING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D

What are you excited for or about? Tell me and everyone else about it! Spread the excitement!

Life Is Like a Box Of Chocolates

As Forest Gump, well actually Forest Gump’s mother, so knowingly says ‘life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.’ And quite frankly that metaphor or analogy (I never know the difference) is practically perfect. Yes, now they have those little maps that tell you where the delicious peanut butter candy is and where the disgusting cherry filling one is. But that’s only in the really big fancy boxes, so we are just going to disregard that minor flaw in this metaphor (I’m pretty sure that’s the correct term).

Life, like a box of chocolates, is full of choices. And those choices can be about anything and everything under the sun. You make choices every day: should you wake up? Should you have coffee? Do you take the freeway or the back roads to your destination? What is your destination? And those are only a few of the numerous choices you make. You made a choice just now to read this blog post and when you made the choice to read this blog or drink two cups of coffee I’m sure you had an idea of what would happen, but you couldn’t predict what would happen down to the minute details. You just made a decision and hoped it would all work out or be worth your while, right?

But, sometimes when you make those choices you find out you picked one of those weird yucky candies. But just because you picked the gross candy doesn’t mean you necessarily made the wrong choice or a bad choice. When you choose a yucky candy or the choice you made doesn’t go exactly how you planned that doesn’t mean that you made a bad decision or that you necessarily did something wrong. The “wrong” thing (unless it’s a crime or something to that nature) isn’t real. There is no universal wrong choice (again, except when crime is involved), because every single person on this planet needs and wants something different. And if you pick one of those yucky candies that tastes disgusting you can always spit it out or power through it and hope to pick a better one the next time.

When you make a not so great or smart decision in life you have two choices; you can either go back and start whatever it is over again (spit the candy out) or you can power through it and make a different decision the next time around (pick a different candy). Either way when you make a “bad” choice you have the opportunity to learn from that mistake and do better the next time around. No one is perfect and no one knows what’s going to happen next in this crazy whirlwind called life. The only person who knows is the big guy upstairs and he isn’t going to give you a map so you have to make your own way and trust in Him. You have to navigate your way through life the best you know how and when you don’t do your best you don’t stop going, you recalculate and keep on moving.

So the next time you buy yourself one of those big boxes of candies don’t worry about picking the wrong candy, there are plenty more chances to pick the yummy ones. And remember that if you make a “bad” choice, you just have to keep on runnin’.

side note: you should go watch Forest Gump, right now.

The Evolution of Friendship

found on weheartit

found on weheartit

As you get older a lot of things change, your height, your weight, your ability to grow facial hair, and a lot of other things. But one aspect that I wish hadn’t changed, but inevitably does change is the dynamics of a friendship. When you’re young being friends is as simple as playing tag with each other on the playground, and being best friends is as easy as sharing your gushers and letting them be the mom when you play house or the pink power ranger. As you get older your priorities change and therefore the dynamics and ease of friendship also change. When you get into middle school and high school your friends are those who like the same bands, tv shows, movies, sports (if you’re atheletic..aka not me), and (if you’re nerdy) books. They’re the people you can tolerate sharing every single class with and then talking to on the phone for hours after school about everything that happened during the day because you need to analyze your crush’s behavior during algebra II. When you get to college your friends are the people that you can tell anything to and they won’t judge you, but they may ask you if you were drunk or sober when you did it. They’re the people that are going to be in your life forever, they’re your soul mates in most cases. Or at least it feels like they are at that time in your life, like nothing could ever come between this bond you have with the person who has witnessed you dance on stage at the piano bar to ‘tiny dancer.’

The tricky part is maintaining those friendships after college is over. Why is that? Why would it be hard to maintain a friendship with someone you have been attached at the hip with for four years? With people you know basically everything about? With people who have been there for you at your absolute lowest (probably finals or a break up), and your highest highs (getting into your program or a date with your cute lab partner). Life, that’s why. See when you graduate from college everyone starts to go their own way. People start to relocate to different parts of the state, country and, if your friends are really ambitious, the world. Everyone starts to get big people jobs, find their romantic soul mates and everything changes.

Instead of being down the hall or across the street from your best friends, you’re across the state or country from them and that makes midnight taco bell runs pretty difficult to arrange. It also makes your friendship a lot more of a conscious effort. When you’re young you don’t have to remind yourself to talk or hang out with your best friends, you just do it because it would be weird to not. It would be like forgetting to brush your teeth, the entire day you would have this nagging feeling that something wasn’t quite right. But now that you aren’t geographically close to one another, being emotionally close is more difficult by default. Your life starts to get in the way of your weekly facetime dates with your besties. Your job gets in the way of weekend coffee dates. And it just sucks, to but it lightly.

Now when this happens no one is really to blame, even though you will probably lay the blame on someone. Sure sometimes one friend lets the friendship drop on their priority list a little quicker than the other, but eventually both stop trying. After missed calls, cancelled plans and awkward texts you go from being practically family to basically strangers. Now I’m not saying that this is the inevitable end for all the friendships you have in college, but it does tend to end this way for a few at the very least. And if those friendships don’t end, they become, by nature, less important than they were before.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I am the best friend you’ll ever have and claim that I haven’t lost any friends to life, because I have. Now most I haven’t lost completely, but I am not as close to a lot of people as I hoped or thought I would be. I do have a good handful of friends that I’ve managed to hold on to whenever life tries to rip them from my grasp. How do I do that? Well communication is probably the biggest factor. Life is busy and everyone gets distracted by it at some point; but amongst all of that hustle and chaos there is always downtime. So you have to remind yourself to make time to talk to your friends, you have to make a conscious effort to keep in touch. No, you don’t have to talk every day like you did when you were twenty. No, you don’t have to hang out with them every weekend. But you should text or call them every week or so just to check in and see how their life is. You should try to see them once a month or once a year, depending on how long of a car ride is between the two of you. Just put an effort of some kind into it, make a conscious effort to fit those special people into your life. But friendship is, and will always be, a two-way street. And yes people get busy, and yes people may forget to contact you. So if it happens once in awhile, that’s okay. But if you’re friends with someone who always happens to forget about you, maybe it’s time to let that string go, like a kite soaring in the sky. Because friendship is a beautiful thing, and you should remember it as it was, beautiful.

The Green Light

photo was found on weheartit

photo was found on weheartit

Sometimes in life I feel as if I’m waiting for some sort of green light to appear in front of me. A green light to tell me when to go for it, to do whatever it is I’ve been wanting to do for a significant amount of time but haven’t for one reason or another. A sign that let’s me know when the “right” time is to do “that thing,” whether “that thing” is a book, project, piece of writing, video, new life style or eating that sandwich on the counter. I just need something, a green light, to tell me to go and just do it already. Except when it comes to sandwiches, I need no encouragement to eat one of those.

And quite honestly I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this way or looking for this green light. We all have a tendency to wait for the right moment to start that project, diet, book, article, research paper, etc. Some of us wait till the very last minute, while some of us wait till the beginning of the week/month/year to get going. I’m guilty of both of those, but really they’re just excuses. But why do we make these excuses to keep ourselves from starting or trying something new? Are we so unsure of ourselves that we constantly need someone else to give us the okay? Or are we all just so terrified of trying this new thing and failing miserably at it to the point that we don’t even want to try?

For me, personally, it’s a bit of both, but largely the second reason. Failure is one of the absolute worst feelings a human being can experience. Why is that? Because in this world there is an overwhelming pressure on people to be perfect at everything they do; failure is not an option in this world. And if you do try something new and it doesn’t go perfectly there are at least a dozen people to point that out to you and make you feel completely incompetent, which of course makes you never want to try again. It can be very debilitating and soul crushing. Not to mention, fitting something new into your already hectic life or changing an old thing can be a bit overwhelming and tedious.

But we all have to do it, we all have to grow and change eventually. Sure some of us grow and change at a slower rate, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you hadn’t ever started anything new you would still be crawling on the floor babbling and trying to reach that cookie on the counter, think about that for a moment. The only way to truly find yourself, figure out what makes you tick and what you like is to TRY SOMETHING NEW! New experiences are, albeit terrifying, but in the absolute best way. They can be so exhilarating and freeing. And if you fail at something, oh well. You were not put on this earth to be perfect at everything, if you were people wouldn’t have a tendency to specialize in a field of study/work. Everyone would be able to entertain themselves, heal themselves, do their own taxes, etc. You were put here to do something great and to figure out what that great thing is you have to take risks and do something!

So, readers, consider this your green light. Get ready, get set, and go do something you’ve been dying to do for too long. Go out their and do great things with your life. GO!

A Case of the “Twenties”

photo found on weheartit

photo found on weheartit

A Case of the Twenties

I’ve had this blog for a little while now and I haven’t really explained what the title of this blog truly means. What is a case of the twenties? Is it some weird disease that I’m suffering from? Is it contagious? Is it similar to Ebola? Well this post is going to be a lengthy answer to that first question, but the last three are fairly easy to explain. You don’t catch it because it isn’t necessarily a disease, it’s a feeling. It’s not necessarily contagious, but some suffer more than others. And no, it is nothing like Ebola so don’t worry you can still give me a high five.

As you may know, or may have at least guessed from previous blogs, I am a twenty-something year old lady, and I say lady because I’m not a girl anymore, but I don’t necessarily feel like a woman yet. To be a woman I feel like you have to have children or something like that, you have to be tough, and not in the physical sense. And while I am tough in certain ways I’m still quite the innocent and naïve flower, so for now lady suits me just fine. Even though I suppose that ‘lady’ is a term endeared to elder women, but I think it suits me. But regardless, I am currently going through that phase of life that basically every person goes through in their twenties.

When you’re in your twenties everything is changing, whether you like it or not. The number of responsibilities you have starts to exponentially increase. The amount of money you have in your bank account constantly fluctuates, no matter how much you try to save. The relationships you have go through ups, downs, twists and turns. Some of those relationships end and new ones begin. Everything is changing and that change is a constant change, meaning your life rarely stays consistent. When you’re at this age new things happen every day, you grow as an individual with every experience you go through and every person you meet. It’s really a great time in your life and you should do everything to keep track of those memories because they are some great ones. (Luckily those of us in our twenties now have social media to do that for us.)

But being in your twenties can be, and often is, a very scary experience because everything is changing. You experience a multitude of things that you never dreamed were possible, and a lot of those things you have absolutely no clue how to handle. But newsflash, most people don’t know how to handle them either. In your twenties you feel this rush to figure yourself out, you’ve had twenty+ years why haven’t you done that? Why haven’t you picked the house, career, car, life you want to have for the next 70 years of your life?! Why don’t you feel whole yet? What is wrong with you? Now these questions aren’t ones that people actually ask you, at least not that blatantly I hope. But they are questions that society asks and you probably ask yourself.

Raise your (emoji) hand if you thought when you were a teen that you would have life figured out by the time you left college or turned 21? I can’t see, but I have an overwhelming feeling that most or all of you raised you hands. Now keep that hand up if you were right? Is anyone’s hand still up? I didn’t think so. Very few people (if any) have their lives and themselves figured out by the time they thought they would. And society wants to tell us that is not okay, you need to get your act together RIGHT NOW! But you know what I tell society? SHUT UP, because it’s impossible to do. There are so many big changes that are going to happen to you that you couldn’t possibly have predicted when you were fourteen and forced to write one of those letters to your older/future self. I know that my fourteen-year-old self thought I would be probably married (haha yeah right I knew even then that wasn’t a likely future) and working in my dream job, which then was as a music teacher or a doctor or a broadway star…I had a lot of interests. Am I doing those things? Nope. Should I feel bad about myself for not being where I thought I would be? Not one bit.

Basically the twenties is that overwhelming feeling that you should be further along in your journey of self discovery, your career, your love life and it’s tough. It’s hard to tell that nagging voice that sounds like a judgmental great aunt to leave you alone and let you do things your way. But that is EXACTLY what you have to do if you’re going to be the best you. You have to give yourself time to explore the world and explore your individuality. Give yourself time to create a work of art that is beautiful and original, rather than a boring mass produced version. Be patient with yourself and enjoy your twenties, because it’s always going to be about the journey and not necessarily the destination. You’re going to get there eventually, so you might as well enjoy every minute of the road there.

Just Be You

me being me

me being me

Okay so you probably read the title of this blog post and are thinking one of two things. You’re either thinking about how you are being you and the haters gonna hate. OR you’re thinking that being ‘you’ is a lot easier said than done in this society. If you are in the first group you probably don’t need to read this post, but feel free to continue reading and critique my grammar (heads up I hate paragraphs, bite me). If you’re in the second group I have to say that most of the time I agree with you. We like to think that the world has grown more accepting of people who are “different” or “march to their own beat,” but sadly that isn’t always the case. Don’t get me wrong, I think we have definitely made strides towards a more accepting society, but sometimes it feels like only a certain kind of weird is cool or accepted. You have to be an entertaining or lighthearted weird in order for people to like you, but if you knit sweaters for your pet turtle or are a gifted Tuvan throat singer you’re piled in the weirdo group and you shouldn’t be. Okay there are some people who are legit weirdos, but those are serial killers who don’t belong in the weirdo group, they belong in the psychiatric prison group. You feel me?

 

Anyways, we are getting off topic, back to the point of this post and that is to tell those of you in group two that it’s okay to feel like that. It’s okay to feel like being you is hard to do because you feel that people don’t appreciate you or accept you unless you put on some sort of facade. But I’m hear to tell you to listen to my girl Taylor Swift and shake it off, cause the haters gonna hate (hate hate hate hate). Seriously though, if someone ever makes you feel like who you are isn’t okay or isn’t someone worth being you need to drop them like a hot pan. NO ONE gets to tell you who you should be or how you should act, only you get to decide that. And trust me if you try even for a moment to be someone you aren’t you will be miserable and feel like you’re constantly wearing a costume (even though it’s not Halloween). I truly believe that God made every single person an individual person and when you try to fit someone else’s mold for who you should be, you’re breaking your heart and God’s. Unless of course you think you should be a serial killer or some sort of dangerous sociopathic dictator…you most definitely should not do that because THAT will break God’s heart…and probably hurt a lot of people.

 

What I’m trying to say amidst all of my rambling is that if people don’t like you for who you are without any walls up, it’s time for you to find new people. Someone will love that you knit sweaters for turtles because their turtle has been shivering lately or will think your Tuvan throat singing is beautiful. Someone will love you for you, quirks, flaws and all. Trust me, I am probably one of quirkiest people you will meet (hello did you read this entire post?) and I have people who love me for me, I think…I’m pretty sure. Well my mom loves me at least. I’m rambling again….just be you and tell the haters to take a hike and let your freak flag fly high, because we are all a little crazy and life is WAY too short to not enjoy it because you’re stuck being someone lame.

 

Have a lovely day, God bless and STAY QUIRKY!

Love Like the Movies

photo credit: weheartit.com

photo credit: weheartit.com

Growing up most young girls watch numerous movies about love, happily ever afters and prince charmings. But as those young girls grow up and experience love for the first time, most realize that it is most definitely not filled with happily ever afters. No, instead most of us discover that with great love comes great pain. And once we feel that great pain when our first love doesn’t work out the way all of those movies and cheesy novels told us they would, we give up. Once we’ve been disappointed once, or maybe twice if you’re on the optimistic side we slowly start to give up on the idea of a happily ever after. Instead we start to be content with relationships that are safe, okay, boring, easy, etc. Why do we do that? Because once we’ve been disappointed enough we lose hope in the type of love that is shown in all of our favorite movies, the ones we watch with tissues, ice cream and a group of best friends.

 

But why should we lose that hope and settle for something that doesn’t awaken our soul? We shouldn’t. You may be lonely and just want someone to keep you company, hold your hand and keep you warm at night, but YOU DESERVE MORE. Everyone deserves to have the kind of love that we think only exists in the world of fictional movies, but it can exist in the real world too. It has to or what is truly the point of this journey? If the object of life isn’t to be genuinely happy, then I need a refresher on how to live. John Lennon said it perfectly, when asked what he wanted to be when he grew up he replied ‘happy.’ Obviously his teachers didn’t think he understood the question, but he told them they didn’t understand life and he was exactly right. The object of life is, at the end of the day, to be happy and can you be happy if the person next to you doesn’t give you butterflies when he/she walks into the room or doesn’t cause your face to light up with just the mention of their name. These things may be cliché, but it’s true. Everyone deserves to have someone standing next to them that drives them wild and never fails to make them incandescently happy.

 

Now don’t get me wrong, I know the world isn’t a perfect place and therefore life and love aren’t going to be perfect. There are going to be times when the person you love makes you unhappy or just plain pissed off, but if they still make you smile through the tears or the anger, despite how hard you try not to then it’s worth the work. So please, don’t stop looking for a love like the movies, Katy Perry said it best in one of her lesser known songs: ‘if it’s not like the movies, that’s how it should be.’ So please, stay positive and give love a try.

 

P.S. you should see the movie If I Stay and (probably) read the book.

The Microwave Affect

Those of us who have only experienced life in the 21st century in first world countries are very lucky human beings. Everything you could possibly want or need is only a click away in most cases. We don’t have to wait for anything to be quite honest. The most waiting we have to do is for the browser page to load (and let’s be real those are the longest five seconds ever) or the microwave to beep. And be honest,when your Lean Cuisine says microwave it on 50% power for ten minutes you leave it on 100% and cut the time in half because you don’t want to wait. I’m just as guilty as anyone. Put me in front of a slow internet connection and I will not be happy and probably say a few colorful words to express my frustration. Everything is just so readily available to us and we take it for granted. We just assume that everything should be available to us within a few seconds and we get frustrated when it’s not.

Well there are a few things that can’t be fixed within the span of a few seconds or minutes and two of them are your health and your heart. And for me both of those things were broken over the last twelve months. I never thought that heart break would hurt as much as physical pain, or worse at times. I never thought that I would take more than a week to get over it, but it did. It took a whole lot longer than a week and that made me frustrated on top of broken, probably the worst combination. The agony lasted for an extended period of time, as many of my close friends can attest to. But eventually the pain began to decrease as the days passed. First I went a day or so without thinking of him, then weeks, and I’m still waiting for it to be months, but someday.

And of course when that pain was finally under control I got into a car accident, which included both physical and emotional pain. It was hard, extremely hard. It was frustrating beyond belief and I was not a happy camper, to say the very least. I thought that once I was done with surgeries and out of that hospital room everything would be fine and back to normal. Well it’s almost five months since that day and things are not back to normal. I didn’t get that instant gratification that I wanted, I didn’t experience what I have called The Microwave Affect. No, unfortunately I can’t be fixed as quickly as a piece of pizza can be reheated. (Although I’m sure we’re not far from that being a possibility in a few decades.) And part of me is still really frustrated and upset about that. I’ve missed out on a lot of things because they are simply not practical at the moment and I just feel like I’m wasting a lot of time doing nothing. But another part of me knows that this whole experience is making me stronger both physically and emotionally, that when I am back to “normal” I will look back on this experience be thankful that it took longer than five minutes. I will be grateful for that waiting time, a time to grow.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that in a world where everything moves so quickly and five minutes literally feels like five weeks, we all need to calm down and take time to enjoy the wait. Maybe learn a thing or two from it.

Taken by God

photo credit: weheartit.com

photo credit: weheartit.com

Now I swore to myself when I started this blog it would not be about love, or at least every post wouldn’t be me complaining about love. And right now I kind of put love (the romantic kind) off the table for the time being. HELLO I am in a wheelchair and literally cannot even go to the bathroom without some help getting there and situated (I’ll spare you the details). So I told my friends and family that I was taking myself off the market for the time being. Which is true, I have many more important and pressing matters to be concerned with without worrying about what some cute boy I saw is thinking about me or adding a relationship of that sort into the mix. And besides who would want to be with someone who looks like me right now and has as many medical (and emotional) issues as I do? Um no one. But those aren’t good reasons, or at least not the right reasons.

As I stated above, who wants to date someone who has to wear a patch over their eye because their eye isn’t exactly normal right now? Or who wants to date someone who can’t (at this moment) walk around or really even leave the house? Bottom line in my head was who wants to or would ever want to be with someone like me? No one, was the answer I came up with. And no, for you romantics out there, this is not the moment in time where I begin the story about how my true love has swooped in and saved me from my negativity. This isn’t a cliche story. But another love has and will continue to save me (besides the love from my mother, besties, and family).

But no, I am not ready for love because before I’m ready for that kind of love I need to first and foremost love myself. Now my (sugar) friends and family have done an excellent job at trying to help boost my self-esteem, but truth be told it’s still low. I still don’t like how I look or feel like I’m a good person. And of course just when I was starting to feel better about myself BAM the car accident happened And left me looking and feeling…well not exactly my best.

But what I have learned (well I’m starting to learn) is that doesn’t and shouldn’t matter in love or in life. God created you and He is in control of what happens in your life. And the only person you should be trying to please is Him. Because by pleasing Him, you will please yourself as well. And being “beautiful” or finding “love” means nothing if you don’t love who you truly are and if you aren’t doing what God has planned for you.

So to wrap this up, instead of taking a break from love, I’m deciding to be taken by the big guy upstairs (that’s God who I’m referring to in case you didn’t get that). I’m going to take this time and try to focus and figure out what His big plans are for me first and what kind of person He wants me to be. And when I’m ready, I have faith that God will lead to someone I never expected.